Quickies
Q
- What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A
- Wipe his arse.
~~ooOoo~~
Q
- What do you call a man with no legs in the sea?
A
- Bob.
~~ooOoo~~
Two
aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The
ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
~~ooOoo~~
Two
cannibals are eating a clown.
One
says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
~~ooOoo~~
Two
cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy
says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I
don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's
true, straight up, no bull!"
~~ooOoo~~
Answer
phone message "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
~~ooOoo~~
Deja
Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before.
~~ooOoo~~
I went
to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I
couldn't find any.
~~ooOoo~~
I went
to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the
meat off the top shelf.
And he
said, "No, the steaks are too high."
~~ooOoo~~
My
friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was
pulled under by a strong currant.
~~ooOoo~~
I went
to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.
~~ooOoo~~
Two
Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but
when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
~~ooOoo~~
Our ice
cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and
thousands.
The
police say that he topped himself.
~~ooOoo~~
Two
peanuts walk into a bar.
One was
a salted.
~~ooOoo~~
A
jump-lead walks into a bar.
The
barman says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."
~~ooOoo~~
A man goes to a fancy dress
party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and
says, 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says, "A premature
ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says, "I've just come in
my pants."
~~ooOoo~~
A
sandwich walks into a bar.
The
barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
~~ooOoo~~
A
dyslexic man walks into a bra.
~~ooOoo~~
A man
walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac
under
his arm and says, "Pint please and one for the road."
~~ooOoo~~
"Doc, I
can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it
common?"
"It's
not unusual."
~~ooOoo~~
A guy
walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man
came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The
doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
~~ooOoo~~
A man
walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a
glove."
~~ooOoo~~
Q. Who
said "Shiver me timbers" on the ghost ship?
A. The skeleton crew.
~~ooOoo~~
Q. What
is a horse's favourite game?
A. Stable tennis.
~~ooOoo~~
Q. What is a crocodile's favourite game?
A. Snap.
~~ooOoo~~
Q. Where did the man get his second hand?
A. From the second hand shop.
~~ooOoo~~
Q. How
do ducks dance?
A. Slow slow quack quack slow.
~~ooOoo~~
Q. How
do you recognise a daft man in a car wash?
A. He's the one on the bike.
~~ooOoo~~
Knock
Knock
"Who's there?"
Banana
Knock knock
"Who's there?"
Banana
Knock knock
"Who's there?"
Banana
Knock knock
"Who's there?"
Banana
Knock knock
"Who's there?"
"Orange "
"Orange who?"
Orange you glad I did not say banana.
~~ooOoo~~
Q. What
gets wet when it dries?
A. A towel
~~ooOoo~~
"Dad,
there's a man with a bill outside."
"Don't be silly, it's a duck with a hat on."
~~ooOoo~~
Q. What
goes bong bong?
A. A spring cabbage
~~ooOoo~~
Q.
Where does Tarzan get his clothes from?
A. The jungle sale
~~ooOoo~~
Man
with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc
says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
