1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse to a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we don't notice.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Anyone can buy condoms.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other bloody cat.

9. Sunday = Football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not a sport.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Most men own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you ' think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?

15. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad probably is too.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

19. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.

20. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.

21. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

24. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

25. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

26. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

27. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

28. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

29. Women wearing Wonder bras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

30. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship."